Tuesday, May 5, 2009
An empty chair
I really intend this blog, obviously, to be more geared as a spiritual journal for me. So I really debated whether or not to post this entry. But sometimes, like today, I just have more personal things on my mind. So this blog wont be terribly interesting (I dont know if they really ever are anyway) as it is not meant as anything but a vent, and maybe a small clarification to those of you that havent understood the pains in my recent months that HAVENT been as spirituality related. So just be for warned if your looking for my so called "deep" spiritual insights:
Its kind of weird to say that Ive been single almost half a year now. Its even weirder that it really bothers me, since before my last relationship I had been (well officially) single for about two years, and then before that I never had even dated anyone. But here I am, sad, and feeling sorry for myself that no romantic endeavor has even slightly worked out in this near 6 month period.
Most of the time I would have been way over any girl by this point, but as Ive learned painfully but surely in the past 6 months, is that I really was(and in a less romantic sense, still am) in love with Amy(my latest ex). I hate admitting it to myself, since the 2 times I thought I was "in love" before that I shortly concluded afterwards that I was just naively infatuated. But despite all the things about Amy that I didnt agree with or like(particularly the person she transformed into at the end), I still reminisce on all the good times we did have when I would visit her(or even apart). And I really miss the part of me she completed at the time and just really the friendship that was like none other. We were apart the majority of the relationship obviously but in her I had a friend that would listen to me, and likewise...no matter what the problem, the success...any time of day. It was such a magical connection that I felt, and that, she at the time, claimed she felt as well.
I really had convinced myself that she was my soul mate and that I wanted to marry her, and though now Im glad I didnt pursue those plans any further...I was serious about it. Maybe what makes me most lonely and hurt still to this day was the terrible way we ended, that til this day has been completely irreversible. I can understand a person not feeling romantic about me anymore, I guess I can even understand when a person doesnt want to be my friend anymore. But when a person meant everything to you, and they claimed the same about you for over a year, I cant understand that person just walking out of my life never wanting to speak to me again...for no real given reason. More than my girlfriend, I considered her my closest friend...it didnt matter how far we were apart. So the various times I tried to mend things at least as friends between us from the time she broke up with me til about a month ago, and them being met with absolutely no response...just kindof blows my mind I guess. Its still hard to believe that I spent 1500 dollars and a years worth of love and care on someone that, for really small ridiculous reasons, dumped me for an athiest and wants to never speak to me again.
I know that I just need to completely get over it..since obviously her actions in the end showed that she wasnt the right girl for me at all. And in one sense I have...I dont think about her as often, Im fairly motivated to achieve something in life again (well on my good days) and Ive felt attracted to other people. But theres still a part of me that hasnt really dealt with it, that doesnt really know how to. Theres a part of me that is still with her even though our physical involvement never went beyond a 8 second kiss. And sometimes I just break down, because a part of me is still...dead and unfulfilled. And no matter how many times I tell myself that "she just wasnt the right girl and God will just magically give me someone better someday" it doesnt really repair what was broken in me.
It doesnt replace the empty chair in my life that she brought into the circle of my heart and just one day, left for something "better". And so ever since then, Ive just felt so lonely. I have a few good friends, not alot, but they're good and I try to hang with them when I can...but they do not nor could they possibly fulfill what Amy did in my life.
I still really deeply care about her, and hope that whatever shes doing she is happy. I hope that God brings her the best, most Godly man possible someday. In one way I feel sad and disappointed to no end that I could not be enough for her, or be that guy. But then in another way I dont feel bad at all because I know that for the staunch majority of the relationship I did everything I could to treat her kindly and respectfully unlike her past boyfriends. I know that I truly gave it my all, and that no matter how much I cannot understand it now, it was in Gods will at the time but not for the long run.
And though she may not forgive me for my weak self-esteem and analytical nature, I will forgive her for much more terrible things and be glad that we at least tried.
I know (or at least hope) that God has someone out there for me that will be for the long run. But I've pretty much concluded that wherever she is Gods probably not going to reveal who she is to me until I am content with myself and God, just as I was before my relationship with Amy. And that really it makes alot more sense for me to just establish myself in my career and figure out the man God is trying to make me into right now, before rushing off into another relationship. I only wish that in this time of singleness I could be content and not feel so empty and lonley without that "special" type of girl in my life. Its really difficult not to miss what I had, and not to in some way search for it. But I will pray that God gives me the strength to do His will contently in my singleness, while having the wisdom to see and cherish the right thing when it comes along.